Q: How do you keep a valuable piece of equipment from being stolen?
A: Hide it in an accordion case.

 

A neighbor started banging loudly on my front door at 3:00 in the morning.  Imagine that - 3:00 in the morning!  Luckily, I was already awake and playing polkas on my accordion. 

A fellow walking into a pub says: "Do you want to hear my latest accordion joke?" "Now, I play the accordion" says the bartender, a large strapping fellow."That gentleman at the end of the bar, the one who look like a logger, he plays the accordion. And that big gentleman playing darts over there, he plays the accordion. Do you still want to tell your joke?" "No, I don't feel like explaining it three times."

             

Definition of a gentleman:  someone who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't. 



A man parked his car in a bad part of town, leaving his accordion on the back seat.  When he returned to the car, to his horror, he noticed that one of the car windows was smashed, and there was broken glass everywhere.  He looked inside to see if his prized accordion was still there and discovered that now there were TWO accordions on the back seat.
  


Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a trampoline?
A: You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.


Q:  If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a banjo off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
A:  Who cares?

 

 

 Q: What's the first thing an accordion player says when he knocks on your door?
A: "Pizza!"

      

What's the difference between an accordion and a cat?
Only the cost.  They both make the same kinds of sounds when you squeeze them.

 


Q: How do you get a million dollars?
A: Start off with 2 million and buy an accordion store.


   

 

A young boy says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up, I'd like to be an accordionist." 
She replies, "Well, honey, you can't do both."

 

Q: What's the range of an accordion?
A: Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!


  

What's the difference between a professional accordionist and a large pizza?
The pizza can feed a family of four. 

 

What song is most requested of accordion players?
Please play Far, Far, Away.

 

Accordion joke?  That's a redundancy. 



Q: What do a long court hearing and a bad accordion player have in common?
A:  There's always a huge sigh of relief when the case is closed.

What's the difference between an accordion and a bassoon?
You can' hit a baseball further with a bassoon. 

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a macaw?
A: One is loud, obnoxious and noisy; the other is a bird.


 

Q: What's the difference between an accordion and an onion?
A: People cry when you chop up an onion.

       
How are an accordionist and a blind javelin thrower alike?
Both are instantly recognized as threats and cause everyone to move quickly out of range.


    

Q: What's the definition of perfect pitch?
A: When you toss an accordion into a dumpster, it bounces off the banjo and it hits the bagpipe.

     

In a Sunday, February 2, 2003 column, humorist Dave Barry wrote about an effort to recover a piano that Babe Ruth dumped into a pond. Ruth supposedly pushed the piano into the pond to display his strength. Barry wrote: “This version is unlikely: Even a very strong, very lubricated man would be unable to throw a piano into a pond. An accordion, yes. In fact, more people SHOULD throw accordions into ponds.”

Q: What's the difference between an accordion player and a terrorist?
A: Terrorists have sympathizers.

             

What do you do if you see a bleeding accordionist running around in your back yard and screaming?
Reload and take another shot at him. 

  

What's the difference between a squashed dead skunk in the middle of the highway and a dead accordionist in the road?  The skunk was probably on its way to a gig.

   

Minimum safe distances between street musicians and the public:
    Violinist: 25 feet
    Bad Violinist: 50 feet
    Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
    15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation: 100 feet
    Accordionist: 60 miles

      

A  man walks into a bar dressed in a trench coat with the collar pulled up and a fedora pulled down over his face. A livid scar runs down his cheek, and his pointy two-tone shoes are dangerously polished. He's carrying an accordion case. As he walks in, everyone falls completely silent. All of the patrons turn pale and freeze as the man strolls up to the bar and sets the case down on the counter. Everyone holds their breath. Suddenly, the man flips open the case and pulls out a machine gun! And everyone in the bar breathes a sigh of relief.


 

Q: What is the definition of an optimist?
A: An accordion player with a YouTube channel.




How do you reduce the wind drag on the car of a professional accordionist?
Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof. 



    

Two explorers, camped in the heart of the African jungle, were chatting around their campfire. "I came here," said one, "because the urge to travel was in my blood.  City life bored me, and the small of exhaust fumes on the highways made me sick.  I wanted to see the sun rise over new horizons and hear the twittering of birds that never had been seen by man.  I wanted to leave my footprints on sand unmarked before I came.  In short, I wanted to see nature in the raw.  What about you?"  The second man replied, "I came because my son was taking accordion lessons."-


Q: Why does everyone hate an accordion without even hearing it?
A: Saves time.

 

Q: What do accordion players use as a contraceptive?
A: Their personalities.


Q:  What is a bassoon good for?
A:  Kindling an accordion fire.
 


Q:  What do you call a group of topless female accordion players?
A:  Ladies in Pain


Bumper sticker:  Play an accordion - go to jail!




Q:  What's the definition of a gentleman?
A:  Someone who knows how to the play the accordion, but doesn't.





 

Q: What's a gentleman?
A: Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but doesn't.

       

What's the definition of perfect pitch?
When an accordion is thrown into an outhouse pit without it touching the sides.


  

Marriage is like playing the accordion. It looks easy until you try it.


 

How is an accordion like an artillery shell?
By the time you hear it, it's too late.




Q: What's the difference between an accordion and a concertina?
A: The accordion takes longer to burn.




Q: What do you call a professional accordion player without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless





Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on an accordion player's arm?
A: A tattoo.
  
A sailor is stationed on an exotic island for months.  He writes to his wife and tells her "I miss you so much, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous island women every day. I need something to keep my mind off of them so I don't cheat."

The wife responds with a package and a letter that says "I miss you, too, and I have a solution to your predicament. I've sent you an accordion.  Focus on learning to play it and practice a lot.  That will distract you from  the beautiful island women."

Months go by, and finally the sailor returns home. He tells his wife he's missed her so much and can't wait to get her into bed and make love to her.

She replies, "I've missed you, too, honey. But first, play me a song on your accordion."



How can you tell when you've found a really good rock and roll band in Minnesota?
They have only two accordions.

Q: What do you call twenty accordions at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

  

A bagpipe player, a banjo player and an accordionist all walk into a bar.
Everyone leaves.



Q: What do an accordion and a baseball have in common?
A: People cheer when you hit them with a bat.

   


My Honda Accord was rear-ended by a truck.  Now it's an Accordion.




What do you call a haunted accordion?
Polka haunt us


Here's a collection of Garfield accordion cartoons

Video of Donald Trump speech excerpts wiith an accordion Photoshopped between his hands while gesturing. 

Music video of the accordion through time and space

(Do you have more jokes or cartoons?  Send them to me,please)