In memoriam Daniel Barclay March 18, 1985 - April 19, 2007


One of Dan's favorite activities during the last two years was participating on the MIT debate team.  The parliamentary debate format permitted the teams to select their own topics.  While most debaters stuck to "normal" topics such as eliminating the inheritance tax, abortion, and the like, Dan didn't always take himself too seriously.  The following is one of Dan's opening round presentations on a serious topic -- should municipalities charge fees for public transit -- performed entirely in rap.  Interestingly, this actually won the round.


Thanks Mr. Speaker, it’s a pleasure to be HERE
At a tournament so PREMIERE
We’ve got a great case for you TODAY
SO compelling it’ll blow you AWAY
No legal jargon, no quid pro QUO
Our case is relevant to the ghet-TO
In order to help the poor and their homies
Mr. Speaker, we want to eliminate bus fees.

CHORUS:
Bus feees, you know they’re really… not right
In fact, this case is almost… gov tight
Bus fees, bus fees, buuus feeeees
They’re sleaze, they’re sleaze, ju-ust like a disease

Bus FEES, you say, now what’s that mean?
Just WAIT a second and I’ll come clean.
CUR-rently buses charge for a ride
Can’t RIDE without payin’… believe me, I’ve tried.
YOU gotta feed them some of your change
And THEY’LL transport your ass in exchange
WE think that this is a stupid fee
And CI-ty buses should offer rides for FREE.

(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)
(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)

Reason ONE: this will increase bus use
Since people won’t have to cough up their juice
DROP the price of a good to zero
And people regard you as their hero
They’ll start riding buses that much more
In greater numbers than ever before

For example, attracting kids to a college event
Is simple… provided you don’t charge a cent
It’s easy to get them into the mood
If you have a big poster saying, “FREE FOOD!”
But IF you charge even nominal fees
THEY’LL avoid you like a hive of bees
This also applies to riding buses
Absolute freedom has its pluses.

CHORUS:
Bus feees, you know they’re really… not right
In fact, this case is almost… gov tight
Bus fees, bus fees, buuus feeeees
They’re sleaze, they’re sleaze, ju-ust like a disease

Now THINK of all the benefits from higher bus USE
The en-VI-ronment will suffer less abuse
FE-wer people will rely on a car
When a bus can get them just as far
Traffic will fall, less carbon emissions
The smoke goes away like a pack of magicians
With fewer cars we burn less gas
And our Middle East policy’s not a pain in the ass
Less dependence on foreign oil
And our diplomats don’t have to toil
Cleaner air and no oil price spikes
You tell me, what’s not to like?

(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)
(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)

Another benefit of higher bus use
Are the extra services we can produce
When more PE-ople use a bus line, that line can ex-PAND
And even more bus routes CAN be PLANNED
WITH more routes it’ll be sublime
We’ll reduce the average waiting time
PE-ople will GET to their DES-tinations FAS-ter
And EV-en BET-ter, we’ll av-ERT dis-AS-ter
Since PE-ople will spend less time waiting
They’ll be less vulnerable to player hating
Bus stops are prime locations for crime
But that won’t happen if buses come on time
People won’t get attacked by hoods
They won’t walk through dangerous neighborhoods
THEY won’t BE in situations they’ll DREAD
If the BUS is FREE, they’ll take IT in-STEAD.

CHORUS:
Bus feees, you know they’re really… not right
In fact, this case is almost… gov tight
Bus fees, bus fees, buuus feeeees
They’re sleaze, they’re sleaze, ju-ust like a disease

Reason TWO: bus FEES are IN-ef-FIC-ient
Since the FEE col-LEC-tion is QUITE de-FIC-ient
GOT-ta find JUST the right COM-bo of coins
HID-den in places a-ROUND your GROINS
MEAN-while you’re holdin’ up the line
The people behind you are callin’ you swine
And then when you’re done, the dude behind you
Goes through the same thing you just went through
And G-d forbid you lack exact change
Then you’re THROWN off the BUS like you’ve got MANGE

(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)
(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)

It DOES-n’t TAKE a LOT of clairvoyance
To figure out this is a big annoyance
It holds up the line, makes the buses slow
And doesn’t even rake in very much dough
All the hassle the fees put you through
Make it a wasteful way of getting revenue
The city’s gotta aggregate all the loose change
Bundle it up, and get it exchanged
Put all the coins in a giant tank
And truck them all down the street to the bank
This operation is quite extensive
The bureaucracy is quite expensive
Not just expensive, but corruption-prone
As many independent studies have shown
BUS employees skim money off the top
The coin system is a massive flop…
Any REV-e-nue col-LEC-tion system should BE re-PLACED
When over HALF the MON-ey col-LEC-ted GOES to WASTE.

(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)
(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)

Mr. Speaker, the al-TER-natives are BET-ter
Categorically and down to the letter
For efficient ways of raising revenue
Our choices are vast, they’re like a menu
We could raise property taxes by one percent
It wouldn’t even make a dent
You just write a check for a higher amount
No inefficiencies I can count
Or the income tax, or the sales tax
Ad-MINISTRATION costs lower than an alto sax

CHORUS:
Bus feees, you know they’re really… not right
In fact, this case is almost… gov tight
Bus fees, bus fees, buuus feeeees
They’re sleaze, they’re sleaze, ju-ust like a disease

Reason three: bus fees are socially unjust
They target the people in the dust
Disproportionately paid by the poor
A regressive tax system is what bus fees ensure
The poorest men and women don’t have a car
They have to ride a bus, it’s who they are
A plumber needs the bus to get to work
A lawyer DOES-n’t need the bus, so the fee he can shirk

(boom-boom-BSSH! boom-boom-boom-BSSH!)

Now, EVEN if rich and poor used the buses the same
The bus fee system would still be a shame
By charging one un-i-FORM flat RATE
It puts society in an unequal state
For the rich 50 cents is a paltry sum
For the poor it’s a higher proportion of IN-come
THEY can’t pay the charge with ease
For them it’s HELL paying these bus fees

CHORUS:
Bus feees, you know they’re really… not right
In fact, this case is almost… gov tight
Bus fees, bus fees, buuus feeeees
They’re sleaze, they’re sleaze, ju-ust like a disease

Mr. Speaker, the alternatives aren’t oppressive
An income tax can be progressive
Bus fees can’t. They hurt the poor
Hurt the environment, make the air less pure
Not only that, they make no sense
Economically there’s no defense
MIS-ter Speaker, we beg you, please
Act today to end bus fees.